Visiting a Japanese Home: Etiquette and Phrases

Arriving on time and the doorway exchange

For a home visit, on time usually means the agreed time or a few minutes after it, not before. The host is still tidying and setting out cups, and arriving early puts them in an awkward position. If you are running late, a short message is enough, and a message when you reach the nearest station is a kind touch that many Japanese guests send anyway. Bring the gift, and if it is raining, fold your umbrella and shake it out before you ring the bell.

At the door the set phrase is ojama shimasu. Literally it means I am going to intrude, but it functions as thank you for having me and is said by everyone, including close friends and family. The host answers with irasshai or dōzo o-agari kudasai, please come up, which is your cue to step in. A quiet shitsurei shimasu as you cross the threshold is common and sounds natural.

Shoes, slippers and the toilet slippers

The genkan is a sunken entrance area, and the raised floor beyond it is where shoes are never worn. Step up out of your shoes facing into the house, then turn and nudge them so the toes point toward the door, which makes leaving easier and is what a careful guest does. The host will usually set out slippers; wear them on wooden or carpeted floors and take them off at the edge of any tatami room, leaving them neatly outside.

The toilet usually has its own pair of slippers waiting inside the door. Swap into them on the way in and swap back on the way out. Walking back into the living room in the toilet slippers is the classic guest mistake, and the host will notice even if they say nothing. Socks without holes are worth checking before you leave home, since your feet will be on show all afternoon.

• Step up out of your shoes without touching the raised floor with your shoes.
• Turn your shoes to face the door and place them to one side of the step.
• Put on the offered slippers; if none appear, socks are fine.
• Take slippers off before tatami and leave them at the edge of the room.
• Change into the toilet slippers and change back before you step out.

Handing over the gift

The gift, called temiyage, is usually something to eat or drink that the household can share: sweets, fruit, a cake, or something from your own country. It is normally handed over once you are inside and seated, rather than at the door, and it comes out of the carrier bag first. Offer it with both hands and a short, modest phrase. The traditional line tsumaranai mono desu ga, it is a trifling thing, is still heard from older speakers, but many people now find it too self-deprecating, and hon no kimochi desu, it is just a small token, sounds warmer.

The host will usually say something like wazawaza sumimasen, you should not have gone to the trouble, followed by a thank-you. This is not a refusal. They will take the gift, sometimes open it and serve it with the tea, and often mention it again when you leave. If it is something they can share, say minasan de dōzo so they know it is for the household rather than one person.

Where to sit and the cushion

Wait to be shown a seat rather than choosing one. In most homes the guest is offered the seat furthest from the door, which is the seat of honour, and a mild dewa, shitsurei shimasu as you sit acknowledges it. In a tatami room you will be given a zabuton, a flat floor cushion. Do not step on it; kneel beside it and slide on. The formal kneeling position is seiza, but it is hard on unpractised knees, and the host will almost always tell you to sit comfortably within a minute or two.

When they say dōzo ashi o kuzushite kudasai, please relax your legs, the natural reply is o-kotoba ni amaete, I will take you up on that, and then you can sit cross-legged or to one side. Accepting quickly is fine; refusing and sitting in visible pain is not a virtue and only makes the host uneasy.

Accepting a drink

The drink offer follows a small dance. The host asks what you would like, the guest says dōzo o-kamainaku, please do not go to any trouble, and the host offers again, often with a concrete choice such as tea or coffee. The second offer is the one you accept, and if you are given a choice you should choose, because o-kamainaku again at that point just makes more work for the host. When the cup arrives, a short itadakimasu as you pick it up is normal, and telling them it is good after the first sip is appreciated.

Cold drinks in summer and hot tea in winter are the defaults, and sweets often arrive with them. It is fine to leave some, but drinking nothing at all can read as discomfort. If you have a real restriction, say it plainly with a reason, and the host will happily find water.

If you are fed: the meal phrases

If the visit includes a meal, wait until the host sits and signals dōzo before you begin, then say itadakimasu with everyone. During the meal, a specific compliment goes further than a general one: naming the dish or asking whether they made it themselves gives the host something to answer. Seconds will be offered; okawari wa ikaga desu ka is the usual form, and accepting once is a compliment in itself. When you have had enough, mō jūbun itadakimashita is the polite way to stop the refills without sounding as if you disliked the food.

Finish with gochisōsama deshita, which thanks the cook rather than the food. The host's set reply is o-somatsu-sama deshita, roughly it was nothing special, which sounds strange in English but is simply the matching half of the exchange. Offering to carry plates to the kitchen is a kind gesture; most hosts will wave you back to your seat, and it is fine to let them. A guide to restaurant Japanese covers ordering and paying; a home meal has none of that, only thanks.

Admiring the home without overdoing it

One or two compliments about the home early in the visit are welcome, and they should be about atmosphere rather than value: light, the garden, the view, how calm it feels. The host will usually deflect with something like ieie, furui n desu yo, oh no, it is an old place, and may apologise for mess that you cannot see. Reassure them once, briefly, and move on. Repeating the compliment several times starts to sound like a script, and asking what the house cost or what the rent is crosses a line in most families.

Do not wander into other rooms, open doors, or pick things up from shelves unless invited. If a family altar is in the room, it is fine to notice it quietly; you are not expected to do anything, and asking a plain, respectful question about it is acceptable if the host seems open to it.

The bathroom question

The polite way to ask is o-tearai o o-kari shite mo ii desu ka, which frames it as borrowing the washroom. Toire is understood everywhere and is fine among friends, but o-tearai sounds better in a home you are visiting for the first time. Avoid asking for the ofuro, which is the bath itself and usually a separate room. The host will point the way, often with rōka no tsukiatari, the end of the hall. Close the door, use the toilet slippers, and leave the lid as you found it.

Knowing when to leave

The guest is expected to make the first move to leave, and the host is expected to protest once. The signal word is sorosoro, meaning it is about time, and sorosoro shitsurei shimasu is the whole sentence you need. The host will usually say something like mada ii ja nai desu ka, it is still early, or urge you to stay a little longer. This is hospitality, not a genuine request, so thank them, give a light reason such as an early start, and stand up. Only stay if they press a second time with something concrete, such as dessert that is about to be served.

At the door the phrase from the start comes back in the past tense: ojama shimashita. Put your shoes on, turn and bow, and thank them for the day. Many hosts see guests out to the gate or the lift, so expect to bow once more at the corner and again from further away. The host's ki o tsukete, take care, and mata kite kudasai, come again, are the natural end of the exchange.

The thank-you the next day

A short message the next day, or at the next meeting, closes the visit properly and is usually expected between friends and colleagues alike. It does not need to be long: thank them for yesterday, mention one specific thing you enjoyed, and if you ate there, add gochisōsama deshita again. If you would like to reciprocate, this is the moment to say so, and a message rather than a phone call is the norm unless the host is elderly. The host's reply is nearly always kochira koso, the thanks are mine, and an open invitation to come again.

The whole visit in order

Read the right-hand column aloud as well as the middle one. Half of a smooth visit is recognising the host's line quickly enough to answer it, and the host lines are the ones nobody drills. Once both columns feel familiar, the etiquette takes care of itself, because every step already has a sentence attached.