Japanese as a Wedding Guest in Japan: Phrases, Goshūgi and Etiquette

The words of congratulation

At a Japanese wedding you will say congratulations many times: to the couple, at the reception desk and to the families. These four lines are the core. All of them are polite and suit anyone at the wedding, whether you are a close friend or a colleague you rarely talk to.

Replying to the invitation

Wedding invitations (shōtaijō, 招待状) usually come with a reply postcard, the henshin hagaki (返信はがき). Reply soon; within about a week is commonly recommended. There is a small ritual: the card is printed with honorifics such as ご出席 (go-shusseki, your attendance) and ご住所 (your address), and as the guest you cross out the honorific part referring to yourself with two neat lines, then circle 出席 (attending). Many people also add a short message.

If you cannot attend, reply politely without giving a negative reason in detail. Ainiku, yondokoro nai yōji ga arimashite (unfortunately, I have an unavoidable commitment) is a classic, discreet formula.

Goshūgi: the gift money

Wedding guests in Japan usually give money rather than presents. This is goshūgi (ご祝儀). It goes in a special envelope, the shūgibukuro (祝儀袋), decorated with a cord tied in a knot that cannot be undone, musubikiri (結び切り), because a wedding should happen only once. Envelopes with a bow that can be retied are for celebrations that can repeat, such as births, and are not used for weddings.

Use new, crisp notes, called shinsatsu (新札), which you can get at a bank counter. For a friend or coworker attending the reception, 30,000 yen is commonly given; family and senior guests often give more. Odd amounts are generally preferred because they cannot be split in two, and amounts linked with four (shi, which sounds like death) and nine (ku, which sounds like suffering) are avoided. Some regions hold weddings with a fixed participation fee instead, so if you are unsure, ask a Japanese friend who knows the couple.

Carry the envelope wrapped in a cloth called a fukusa (袱紗) and hand it over at the reception desk, turned so the receiver can read it.

The reception: from the desk to the toast

Most of the day happens at the reception, the hirōen (披露宴). At the entrance, friends of the couple staff a reception desk, the uketsuke (受付). You greet them, say whose guest you are, hand over your goshūgi and sign the guest book, the hōmeichō (芳名帳). Then you find your seat from the seating chart.

The programme usually includes speeches from senior guests, a toast called kanpai, the cake cutting, letters to parents, and gifts for guests to take home, the hikidemono (引き出物). Applaud, raise your glass when everyone does, and keep your phone on silent.

Dress code

• White is the bride's colour. Guests generally avoid white or very pale outfits.
• For women, an all-black outfit can look like mourning, so many add colour with a shawl, a corsage or accessories; customs are relaxing, but this is still common advice.
• Bare shoulders are commonly covered during the ceremony.
• Men usually wear a dark suit with a white or light tie; a black tie is for funerals.
• Many guides advise against fur and animal-print items, which some people associate with killing at a celebration.

Imikotoba: words to avoid in a speech

Imikotoba (忌み言葉) are words people avoid at celebrations because their meaning suggests bad luck. At weddings, the words to avoid are those of parting, breaking and ending, and also repeated words, which hint at a second marriage. They are avoided in speeches, toasts and written messages, not in ordinary small talk at the table.

At the table: talking with other guests and the families

You will often share a table with people you do not know, grouped by how you know the couple. A simple introduction that says how you are connected is the natural start, and asking others the same question keeps the talk going. If the couple's parents come to your table, stand if others do, bow and say omedetō gozaimasu; a short thank-you for the invitation is enough.

Compliments on the day are always welcome: the bride's dress, the food, the speeches. Keep the conversation positive and avoid the imikotoba, even in small talk, if you can.

Mono (者) in onaji kaisha no mono desu is a humble word for a person, used about yourself. It sounds modest and is perfect for a formal occasion.

The nijikai after-party

Many couples' friends organise a nijikai (二次会) after the reception, often at a restaurant or bar. It is more relaxed: there may be games, prizes and plenty of casual talk with the couple. Guests commonly pay a set fee, kaihi (会費), at the door instead of giving goshūgi, and it is fine to come to the nijikai only if that was your invitation.