Japanese at a Wedding as a Guest: Go-shūgi, Uketsuke and Imikotoba

Replying to the invitation

A formal invitation, shōtaijō, usually arrives by post with a reply postcard, henshin hagaki, and a deadline. Reply promptly: it helps the couple plan seating and meals, and a quick reply is itself a courtesy. Many couples now also accept replies through an online form, in which case follow their instructions.

The paper card has its own etiquette. The printed words include honorifics aimed at you, such as the go in go-shusseki, attendance, and go-hōmei, your name. Because it would be odd to use honorifics about yourself, you cross them out with two neat diagonal or horizontal lines. Many people also write yorokonde, gladly, before shusseki and sasete itadakimasu after it, turning the answer into I will gladly attend. On the front, the printed yuki, to, is crossed out and replaced with sama or onchū as appropriate for the return address.

Add a short message of congratulations in the space provided, such as go-kekkon omedetō gozaimasu. If you cannot attend, give a brief, positive reason or simply say you regret you cannot come, and send congratulations anyway; it is common to send a gift or money later.

Preparing go-shūgi

Go-shūgi is the money gift that guests bring to the wedding, and it effectively replaces a wedding present. It goes in a shūgi-bukuro, a special envelope sold at stationery shops and convenience stores, decorated with mizuhiki cords tied in a knot that cannot be undone, such as musubi-kiri or awaji musubi. This symbolises something that happens once. Avoid envelopes with a bow knot, chōchō musubi, which can be retied and is used for celebrations that can happen again.

Use new, crisp notes, shinsatsu, which you can request at a bank. The amount depends on your relationship, age and region, and there is no single rule. People usually avoid amounts that divide evenly, which suggest the couple splitting, and numbers involving four and nine. Write the amount on the inner envelope and your name on the front of the outer one. Envelopes range from simple to very elaborate, and the design is usually matched roughly to the amount inside.

Carry the envelope in a fukusa, a cloth wrapper, rather than loose in a bag. For weddings, choose a bright or warm colour; purple works for both happy and sad occasions.

In some regions, notably Hokkaido, weddings are often kaihi-sei: guests pay a fixed fee stated on the invitation instead of bringing go-shūgi. If the invitation mentions kaihi, follow that instead of the envelope custom.

At the reception desk: uketsuke

When you arrive, go first to the cloakroom if you have a coat or large bag, then to the uketsuke, the reception desk. It is usually staffed by friends or relatives of the couple, often one table for the groom's side and one for the bride's. Go to the side you were invited by.

The exchange is short and formal. Bow, congratulate them, say your connection to the couple, then take the envelope out of the fukusa and hand it over with both hands, facing so they can read your name. The humble phrase kokoro bakari desu ga, it's only a small token, is traditional. You will then be asked to sign the guest book, hōmeichō, or fill in a guest card, and given a seating chart, sekijihyō.

During the ceremony and reception

A Japanese wedding usually has two parts: the kyoshiki, the ceremony, which may be Shinto, Christian-style or a civil-style ceremony in front of guests, and the hirōen, the reception. Not every guest attends the ceremony; the invitation will say which parts you are invited to.

The reception follows a programme run by an MC, shikaisha. Expect speeches, supīchi, from bosses and friends, a toast, kanpai, a cake-cutting called kēki nyūtō, and often an o-ironaoshi, when the couple leave to change outfits. Near the end, the bride often reads a letter to her parents, and the couple's families thank the guests. When you leave, you receive a gift bag of hikidemono, return gifts from the couple.

Congratulating the couple

During the reception there is usually a moment when guests can go up to the couple's table for photos, or the couple come round to the tables. Keep your words short and warm. The most useful set phrase is suenagaku o-shiawase ni, may you be happy for ever, which carries exactly the right tone.

Compliments on the day, the outfits and the venue are always welcome. If you know one of them well, a sentence about how happy you are for them goes a long way. There is no need for anything elaborate; a smile and two sentences are ideal while the couple are busy greeting everyone.

Imikotoba: words to avoid

Imikotoba are words considered unlucky on a particular occasion. At weddings, they are words that suggest separation, breaking, ending or repetition, since a marriage should happen once and last. Guests are not expected to be perfect, but in a speech or a written message it is good manners to avoid them.

The trickiest group is kasane-kotoba, doubled words such as tabitabi, often, or iroiro, various, because repetition suggests remarriage. In everyday speech almost nobody will notice iroiro, but in a formal speech people swap it for a different expression. Even the end of the party is not called owari; the MC will say o-hiraki, the opening out.

If you are giving a speech, the existing guide to Japanese wedding speeches covers structure and set phrases in more detail. For a short congratulation at the table, simply using the phrases above keeps you safely clear of imikotoba.

The nijikai after-party

The nijikai, literally second party, starts after the reception, often at a nearby bar or restaurant. It is organised by the couple's friends, kanji, rather than by the venue, and the mood is much more relaxed: games, prizes and plenty of drinking. Guests pay a kaihi, a set fee, in cash at the door; the amount is announced in advance and varies.

You do not bring go-shūgi to the nijikai if you already gave it at the reception. Dress is usually the same formal outfit, though some people remove a jacket or change into something lighter. If you were only invited to the nijikai, smart casual clothes are normally fine unless the organisers say otherwise.

When something goes wrong

Common problems are forgetting new notes, arriving late, or realising you have written something unlucky in your message. For notes, banks are the easiest source, but if you are stuck on the day, iron slightly used notes flat or choose the crispest ones you have; nobody will inspect them. If you are running late, contact the person who invited you, or tell the uketsuke staff quietly when you arrive and follow their instructions about when to enter.

If you cannot attend after replying yes, tell the couple as soon as possible, because the venue charges them for every seat. It is common to send go-shūgi or a gift anyway, since a meal was prepared for you.